dear mayonnaise, why do you never write?

Did you know I love mayonnaise? Boy do I! I didn't really discover that it was different from Miracle Whip until I was about 17, so maybe I'm making up for lost time? I used to make mayo sandwiches that consisted of just bread and a whole bunch of mayo. Mmmmm... But then I learned mayo shame and so I try to dress it up.
For example, I like to whip it with salsa or garlic powder and cayenne pepper for a dipping sauce with tots or fish sticks. This was great for a while, but I had to stop buying these two delights when I realized I had eaten an entire jar of mayo in less than a month because of them.
So now the new jar is just taunting me in the fridge. I've been experimenting with ways to eat it that wouldn't embarrass me if someone walked in. Sticking your finger in for a dab? Out. Mayo and tomato open-faced sandwiches? In.

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